End of the day

Well, its the end of the day and I am wiped out. My mind bouncing as much as it has in the past, but it is still bouncing. My mom has been gone for almost a year and a half now and sometimes at times its just as hard as the day she passed. My meltdowns are becoming less and less frequent, but the pain is still there. They say the pain lessens as time passes, but I don't believe it as of yet. What I want to know is when does the alone feeling go away or at least lessen. I have lost almost everyone who ever took part in raising me. If this is what growing up is all about then I want no part of it.

Now my Dad and step mom are in bad health. My Dad keeps falling and has developed an addiction to pain killers. UGH! I am in Indiana and Dad is in California.....talk about feeling helpless! I can't do anything to help my brother out. That really sucks because I was raised that you help your family out no matter what.

I am currently on the "Try to find my new normal" trip. All of the books on grief say the same thing "Find your new normal". What does that all mean? Does that mean to find a new schedule? Find a new way of dealing with life? A new way to live your life.....or all the above? Just when I think I am on the right track, life throws me a curve ball and totally messes me up. I would love to find my spiritual side again. For some reason I lost my passion when I was in junior high. I still have my beliefs, but I don't have the passion I once had. I guess you could say I am attempting to give myself a total makeover. one day at a time I guess. UGH!

9da51250-6e7b-4174-9db3-9fdc2c355785

1.03.01

Sleep (or lack of)

It is 4:46 in the morning, and while the rest of the world around me is sleeping I am sitting here in my recliner wide awake. What am I doing up at this hour? I am definitely tired enough.....but my mind won't stop! I am thinking about my mom and her passing away last year.... and about her estate, and what I still have to do. I am thinking about finances and how to go about gaining employment. And I think about my kids....am I being a good mother to them? How can I be a better mom. And of course there is always housework..... I need to do this, and then this, and maybe if there is time I will do this too!

Then of course I am also thinking about my wonderful boyfriend Robb and how lucky I am to have him. He is my guardian angel. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is the best thing to come into my life since my kids were born.

More than anything else, I think about the past 2 years and how I ended up here. May of '08 I lost my grandmother. She was much more than a grandmother, she was my 2nd mother. She helped my mother raise me. Then, the end of April of '09 I split up with my ex husband Rob. The day after that, my mother went into the hospital for the last time and passed away on May 5th of 09. When I look back to all of that I wonder "Wow! How did I get through that?" And yet, I don't feel I have gotten through it all that well. I feel I still have a long way to go. I think I did make progress in dealing with her death though. Sept 27th, I turned my mom's ashes over to a company that will fill mom's last wish. Mom's cremains will be scattered in the Pacific Ocean, right near the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California. I really couldn't believe how hard it was to turn the remains over. It was almost like losing her all over again. And yet, I know it was the right thing to do. I WAS filling her last wish after all. It was still real hard.

I have read many books on grief and the most common theme in them is to "Find your new normal". How do I do that? Do I just try to establish a new routine and hope for the best? Every time I think I have found my new normal, life throws me another curve ball and totally blindsides me!

When I was in San Fran from Sept 22nd to the 29th it was like no other trip I have ever been on. First of all Dad was in the hospital. He had surgery for a blocked carotid artery. When I got there to see him I was really shocked at how weak and vulnerable he appeared. I felt so helpless. I had already lost my mother, I can't lose him too! I know, we aren't getting any younger, but that really isn't any comfort. He and my step-mom are all I have left. Yes, I have my brother, sister and other extended family, but Dad is the only parent I have left. I can't even help him out like I did mom and my grandma either because of how far I live away. He is in California and I am here in Indiana. This sucks! My brother has to take care of both of the parents by himself.

See what I mean about my mind going and going? Lord, please give me some peace in my mind. I can't do this alone anymore. I know that I am not alone, but right now it feels as if I am. I am turning this over to you to help me through. AMEN!

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1.03.01