End of the day

Well, its the end of the day and I am wiped out. My mind bouncing as much as it has in the past, but it is still bouncing. My mom has been gone for almost a year and a half now and sometimes at times its just as hard as the day she passed. My meltdowns are becoming less and less frequent, but the pain is still there. They say the pain lessens as time passes, but I don't believe it as of yet. What I want to know is when does the alone feeling go away or at least lessen. I have lost almost everyone who ever took part in raising me. If this is what growing up is all about then I want no part of it.

Now my Dad and step mom are in bad health. My Dad keeps falling and has developed an addiction to pain killers. UGH! I am in Indiana and Dad is in California.....talk about feeling helpless! I can't do anything to help my brother out. That really sucks because I was raised that you help your family out no matter what.

I am currently on the "Try to find my new normal" trip. All of the books on grief say the same thing "Find your new normal". What does that all mean? Does that mean to find a new schedule? Find a new way of dealing with life? A new way to live your life.....or all the above? Just when I think I am on the right track, life throws me a curve ball and totally messes me up. I would love to find my spiritual side again. For some reason I lost my passion when I was in junior high. I still have my beliefs, but I don't have the passion I once had. I guess you could say I am attempting to give myself a total makeover. one day at a time I guess. UGH!

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