It is 4:46 in the morning, and while the rest of the world around me is sleeping I am sitting here in my recliner wide awake. What am I doing up at this hour? I am definitely tired enough.....but my mind won't stop! I am thinking about my mom and her passing away last year.... and about her estate, and what I still have to do. I am thinking about finances and how to go about gaining employment. And I think about my kids....am I being a good mother to them? How can I be a better mom. And of course there is always housework..... I need to do this, and then this, and maybe if there is time I will do this too!
Then of course I am also thinking about my wonderful boyfriend Robb and how lucky I am to have him. He is my guardian angel. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is the best thing to come into my life since my kids were born.
More than anything else, I think about the past 2 years and how I ended up here. May of '08 I lost my grandmother. She was much more than a grandmother, she was my 2nd mother. She helped my mother raise me. Then, the end of April of '09 I split up with my ex husband Rob. The day after that, my mother went into the hospital for the last time and passed away on May 5th of 09. When I look back to all of that I wonder "Wow! How did I get through that?" And yet, I don't feel I have gotten through it all that well. I feel I still have a long way to go. I think I did make progress in dealing with her death though. Sept 27th, I turned my mom's ashes over to a company that will fill mom's last wish. Mom's cremains will be scattered in the Pacific Ocean, right near the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California. I really couldn't believe how hard it was to turn the remains over. It was almost like losing her all over again. And yet, I know it was the right thing to do. I WAS filling her last wish after all. It was still real hard.
I have read many books on grief and the most common theme in them is to "Find your new normal". How do I do that? Do I just try to establish a new routine and hope for the best? Every time I think I have found my new normal, life throws me another curve ball and totally blindsides me!
When I was in San Fran from Sept 22nd to the 29th it was like no other trip I have ever been on. First of all Dad was in the hospital. He had surgery for a blocked carotid artery. When I got there to see him I was really shocked at how weak and vulnerable he appeared. I felt so helpless. I had already lost my mother, I can't lose him too! I know, we aren't getting any younger, but that really isn't any comfort. He and my step-mom are all I have left. Yes, I have my brother, sister and other extended family, but Dad is the only parent I have left. I can't even help him out like I did mom and my grandma either because of how far I live away. He is in California and I am here in Indiana. This sucks! My brother has to take care of both of the parents by himself.
See what I mean about my mind going and going? Lord, please give me some peace in my mind. I can't do this alone anymore. I know that I am not alone, but right now it feels as if I am. I am turning this over to you to help me through. AMEN!
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