Pleasant Surprise Yesterday!

A friend from school thought of me yesterday. I got a message on Face Book saying that she had a Garfield Item for me. I was touched. To think that someone I don't see very often thought of me really meant a lot to me. As you can tell from the pic above, she brought me a Garfield Staple Remover. Of course I LOVE it! I love it so much that I am keeping it on my desk at work so it doesn't get destroyed by my children.

Its amazing how a simple gesture can mean so much! I was feeling kind of "Blah....ho hum". You know that feeling, the one where you feel like its the same stuff just different day. So, to Michelle I say Thank You sooooooo much! I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I love the gift, but what means more to me is the fact that you thought of me during a day that you were spending with your hubby. That means so much!

I am really blessed. I have an awesome family and a great set of friends (which are like family to me as well). Sometimes you don't realize how lucky you are until something so simple and sweet happens to you. I think it's God's way of saying "Wake up! You matter to more people than you think!" So, to that I say "Thank you God for the wake up call!" I just hope the rest of you have as wonderful of a wake up call as mine was! And it doesn't even have to be with a gift, maybe you hear from someone you haven't talked to in a while. Don't wait until you get your subtle wake up call to feel good. Call up a friend you haven't talked to in a while and tell them how much you missed them. It might mean as much to them as my staple remover means to me!

Thank you again Michelle!

When I was in high school I used to find things to write about all the time. Fast forward almost 21 years later and the ideas don't come to me as easily. I have been through a lot the past few years and I finally feel like I am figuring out who I am again! For the first time in a long time I don't feel like I have to change my behavior in order to please the people who love me the most. I know, "DUH"!

My DH has given me the much needed space to figure out who I am. The wild thing is I am starting to feel comfortable being me. I don't feel like I have to censor myself. No one to say "More Garfield stuff? Don't you think this is turning into an obsession?" No one to make me ashamed of my likes and to make me feel like I have to defend or justify my dislikes.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is "Watch out world! Marguerite is back! I am new and improved!" I feel like Rip Van Winkle must have felt after he woke up from his long nap. I feel like I am coming out of a very dense and thick fog! Things that I have looked at for most of my life I am looking at in a totally different light. I wish I could put this into words that would accurately explain what I am trying to say. But I can't. One step and one word at a time I guess! LOL

Since I haven't posted in here for a while I will post a little bit about of myself . I am a 38 year old of 2 boys and a girl. I am a recently married woman to my best friend Robb. We got married on 1-11-11. I work for a payday loan company and absolutely love my job. I have one brother and one sister both in California. My sister is older and my brother is younger. I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews who I love dearly and wish I could see a lot more! They also live in Cali. I lost my gma in May of 08 and my mother in May of 09. my only living parents are my Dad and Step-mother in San Francisco (and they are not in the best of health either).

In my free time (what free time I get) I love to read, listen to music, spend time with family and friends, go to the beach, visit San Francisco and scrap book (not necessarily in that order). I collect Garfield, Joe Montana, and the old Pepsi glasses that Burger Chef used to sell from the late 70's. I also love going to antique stores and finding toys that I used to play with as a kid (even though I leave said antique store feeling really old). My fave color is purple (duh right?) and my fave group is Huey Lewis and The News. I have seen them 4 times in concert and met them once. I also love listening to Pink Floyd, Toby Keith, Chris Daughtry, Brett Michaels and most 80's music. My CD collection is mostly 80's music with some Neil Diamond, Rod McKuen, John Denver, Glenn Yarborough, Elvis thrown in. My favorite authors are Don Piper, Neale Donald Walsh, James Patterson, Sylvia Browne, John Edward and any other good Best Seller that is recommended to me.

I love my friends as much as I do my blood family and will do almost anything humanly possible for them. Like I posted on my face book page: I have a great family, set of friends and job. I am very blessed and life is good!

My Best Friend

This is my very best friend in the whole world. We met when I was 15 years old through his neighbor and then best friend Brian Wise. He and I became quick friends and looking back, was my best friend then too.....( but I didn't see it). Any time I needed him for me he was there.

Fast forward a few years, 3 marriages later for me, and one divorce later for him. We lost touch for about 10 years and then found each other again on face book through a mutual friend (who happened to be his now ex- wife's best friend). We started talking again off and on and I was really happy to have him in my life again. April 31, 2009 would change my life forever. This was the day I moved out of my now ex- husband's house and into a place of my own. I moved back into Mishawaka to be closer to my mother. This proved to be a moot point, because the next day (on May 1st) my mother went into the hospital for what turned out to be the last time. My then room mate Cindy urged me to call Robb to be with us in the ER. I wasn't going to call him because it was his birthday. But, with much prodding from Cindy, I texted him to say mom was in the ER. I received an "I'll be right there" as a reply. After what seemed like minutes later, he was at my side for me to lean on. Come to find out, I was really going to need him. On May 5th at 9:30 a.m. I took my mother off life support and she passed away at 1:00 p.m.

For the next month, Robb was right there. He slept in a recliner in the corner of my bedroom for the next month to make sure I was ok. He only left to go to work and to get a change of clothes from his mom's house. Amazingly, he didn't miss a day of work through out the whole ordeal.

A couple of months after mom died, he told me that he has been in love with me for the last 23 years. This really blew me away! Never in my (now) 38 years has anyone ever told me this....I didn't know what to say! So, in Sept, after my divorce was finalized, we started dating. In November of 2009, he moved in with me and i have never been happier!

Sept of 2010, we flew to San Francisco so I could visit my family out there. I hadn't seen my brother in about 4 years and I missed him, my father, and the rest of my family very much! My father is also not in the best of health, so I wanted Robb to meet him as well. I didn't want my father to die not knowing that his little girl was finally happy! When we got there, Dad was still in the hospital from having his 2nd Carotid artery opened up. We were able to visit with Dad about 3 times before we had t go home. Before we left Dad's room after each visit, Dad did something that will stay burned in my memory for many years to come. He shook Robb's hand and said "Please take care of my little girl." He has never said that to anyone before and Dad also met David's bio-dad. I wanted to cry on the spot the first time he said that to Robb.

Robb also met my brother and other friends and family out there and they all like him. My brother and father both said that he seemed like he would take good care of me.

On January 11, 2011 Robb and I got married. We had been discussing getting married for a couple of months before, and hadn't come up with a date. We made sure my kids approved of Robb and I getting married. All of my friends loved him, so we just had to come up with a date. Some people accused us off copying off of some friends of ours that got married on 12-31-10....but that wasn't the case. As I stated before, we had thought about getting married before that, but hadn't made any concrete decisions yet. So, on New Year's Day, while we were driving up to Robb's mom's house I asked him "What about 1-11-11?" After thinking about it for a few minutes he said "Sure! Why not?"

Long store short, we got married on 1-11-11 because I like the sound of it as an anniversary date. My kids were there along with a few close friends and his family. A few of my friends voiced t me that they felt that we should have waited to get married. They were thinking that we were rushing in to things a little too quick. If it wasn't for the fact that I have known him for so long, and for the fact that he and I have been through so much already I might tend to agree with that fact. But, I am happier than I have been in a LONG time.... and when we told his mom we were getting married she said that Robb is happier than she has seen him in a long time too! So I ask you? Why NOT get married?

For the record, I just want to say that I am happier than I have been in a long time. For the first time ever I can honestly say I have married my best friend. He takes very good care of me and is giving me the much needed space I need to figure out who I am! What more can a girl ask for?

End of the day

Well, its the end of the day and I am wiped out. My mind bouncing as much as it has in the past, but it is still bouncing. My mom has been gone for almost a year and a half now and sometimes at times its just as hard as the day she passed. My meltdowns are becoming less and less frequent, but the pain is still there. They say the pain lessens as time passes, but I don't believe it as of yet. What I want to know is when does the alone feeling go away or at least lessen. I have lost almost everyone who ever took part in raising me. If this is what growing up is all about then I want no part of it.

Now my Dad and step mom are in bad health. My Dad keeps falling and has developed an addiction to pain killers. UGH! I am in Indiana and Dad is in California.....talk about feeling helpless! I can't do anything to help my brother out. That really sucks because I was raised that you help your family out no matter what.

I am currently on the "Try to find my new normal" trip. All of the books on grief say the same thing "Find your new normal". What does that all mean? Does that mean to find a new schedule? Find a new way of dealing with life? A new way to live your life.....or all the above? Just when I think I am on the right track, life throws me a curve ball and totally messes me up. I would love to find my spiritual side again. For some reason I lost my passion when I was in junior high. I still have my beliefs, but I don't have the passion I once had. I guess you could say I am attempting to give myself a total makeover. one day at a time I guess. UGH!

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1.03.01

Sleep (or lack of)

It is 4:46 in the morning, and while the rest of the world around me is sleeping I am sitting here in my recliner wide awake. What am I doing up at this hour? I am definitely tired enough.....but my mind won't stop! I am thinking about my mom and her passing away last year.... and about her estate, and what I still have to do. I am thinking about finances and how to go about gaining employment. And I think about my kids....am I being a good mother to them? How can I be a better mom. And of course there is always housework..... I need to do this, and then this, and maybe if there is time I will do this too!

Then of course I am also thinking about my wonderful boyfriend Robb and how lucky I am to have him. He is my guardian angel. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is the best thing to come into my life since my kids were born.

More than anything else, I think about the past 2 years and how I ended up here. May of '08 I lost my grandmother. She was much more than a grandmother, she was my 2nd mother. She helped my mother raise me. Then, the end of April of '09 I split up with my ex husband Rob. The day after that, my mother went into the hospital for the last time and passed away on May 5th of 09. When I look back to all of that I wonder "Wow! How did I get through that?" And yet, I don't feel I have gotten through it all that well. I feel I still have a long way to go. I think I did make progress in dealing with her death though. Sept 27th, I turned my mom's ashes over to a company that will fill mom's last wish. Mom's cremains will be scattered in the Pacific Ocean, right near the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California. I really couldn't believe how hard it was to turn the remains over. It was almost like losing her all over again. And yet, I know it was the right thing to do. I WAS filling her last wish after all. It was still real hard.

I have read many books on grief and the most common theme in them is to "Find your new normal". How do I do that? Do I just try to establish a new routine and hope for the best? Every time I think I have found my new normal, life throws me another curve ball and totally blindsides me!

When I was in San Fran from Sept 22nd to the 29th it was like no other trip I have ever been on. First of all Dad was in the hospital. He had surgery for a blocked carotid artery. When I got there to see him I was really shocked at how weak and vulnerable he appeared. I felt so helpless. I had already lost my mother, I can't lose him too! I know, we aren't getting any younger, but that really isn't any comfort. He and my step-mom are all I have left. Yes, I have my brother, sister and other extended family, but Dad is the only parent I have left. I can't even help him out like I did mom and my grandma either because of how far I live away. He is in California and I am here in Indiana. This sucks! My brother has to take care of both of the parents by himself.

See what I mean about my mind going and going? Lord, please give me some peace in my mind. I can't do this alone anymore. I know that I am not alone, but right now it feels as if I am. I am turning this over to you to help me through. AMEN!

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1.03.01

UGH!

How does one change procrastination? I am doing a type of soul-searching (if you want to call it that) and have decided that I don't like myself very well. I procrastinate waaay too much, and its always on stuff I know I should do and don't want to do. For instance, I have LOTS of homework to do and keep putting it off. I also need ot write a bunch of checks to pay bills and have been putting those off too.

I just went today to visit my grandma in the nursing home and that doesn't look good either. As much as we all want her to ome home, I don't think its going to happen this time. It is getting harder and harder to go see her. Personally, I think we could do a better job taking care of her at home, but we can't afford to pay for round the clock care. :-(

Maybe I will be better able to look at things after my overnite in Michigan City on Saturday. I gotta do something, cuz I feel myself getting more and more depressed everyday.